


Memories is A Place We Left Together

by neferlemon



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Graphic Depiction of Suicide, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Tape, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7192106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neferlemon/pseuds/neferlemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol recorded his suicide tape for Myungsoo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories is A Place We Left Together

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [MyungYeolPromptMeme](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/MyungYeolPromptMeme) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Sungyeol recorded his suicide tape for Myungsoo to see. This is based on Nell's 그리고 남겨진 것들.
> 
>  
> 
> -  
> Based on both the song and the music video

 

 

 

Myungsoo hears a quiet yelp as he enters his apartment.

"Welcome home!" Sungyeol welcomes him with a (too) bright smile but he can see the black metal he desperately hides behind his thin body.

"Did you play with my camera again?" Myungsoo disapproves.

"I just want to see the pictures from your Jeju outing," he pouts.

"You don't even know the people at my office, Yeol," Myungsoo chuckles.

"I know you," he says. Myungsoo gives him a look.

“I’m not even in the pictures. _I’m the one_ _taking the pictures_.”

Sungyeol adorably rounds his mouth when he realizes his mistake a second too late. Myungsoo ruffles his hair.

“What’s for dinner?”

“You mean you don’t bring home any?”

“You mean you don’t cook?”

“I’m so tired today, I texted you to buy dinner,” Sungyeol stretches on the sofa. Myungsoo immediately feels concerned.

“Are you feeling okay today?”

“Yeah. Just tired,” Sungyeol says. “Should I call delivery?”

Their dinner is a simple chicken soup and rice from their regular restaurant.

“What do you think about going to Jeju at New Year?” Sungyeol asks as they eat. Myungsoo puts down his spoon and looks at his partner.

“It will be hard on you, Yeol. I’d rather not take any risk.”

“Please, Myungsoo. I’m feeling better these days. I’m sick of staying at home forever,” he pleads.

“I still think not,” Myungsoo sips his water. “Besides, I’m thinking of going to work at New Year. Our campaign will launch at January 2 and the boss offers me triple rate if I’m willing to sacrifice my holiday.”

“Myungsoo,” Sungyeol looks at him with unhappy expression. “You don’t have to. You need to rest too.”

“I know, but it’s triple rate.”

And they need money, for Sungyeol’s doctor appointment and medication. With Myungsoo as the sole breadwinner in the household, the extra large sum of money is more necessary than his holiday. Myungsoo will work as hard as he can to keep Sungyeol alive.

After dinner they stay in bed, looking through Myungsoo’s Jeju pictures in his laptop. Myungsoo tells him the name of his colleagues and makes jokes about his boss as Sungyeol laughs.

“Let’s go to sleep?” he asks Sungyeol when it’s reaching midnight.

“Sure,” the older boy says as he closes the laptop. Then Myungsoo remembers.

“You haven’t eat your pill, right? Sungyeol?”

“... I haven’t.”

Myungsoo sighs sadly.

“Come on, Sweetheart. You know you have to eat it regularly.”

“Sometimes I think they don’t make any difference, Myung,” Sungyeol says quietly. “I don’t trust them.”

“Our doctor says it will help, Yeol. Eat if for me, please.”

He allows himself to close his eyes only after he hears Sungyeol opens the bedside drawer, takes his pills, and closes it again.

“Thank you,” Myungsoo says as he pulls the older boy into his embrace. He rewards him with a deep kiss, but the medicine leaves a lingering bitterness on his tongue.

 

 

-

Their house is crowded at the Christmas eve. Their close friends are coming to celebrate the holiday. Woohyun comes early to cook a fancy turkey dinner and apple pie. The rest are coming with snacks and alcohol. Sungyeol and Myungsoo has decorated the living room with a mini Christmas tree. The way the lights light up reminds him of Sungyeol when he’s happy.

“Uwoooooo!” they cheer as Hoya shows off his recently found cocktail making skill. A pretty light blue cocktail is poured into a wine glass and everyone scrambles to get a sip.

“Not you, Babe,” Myungsoo pulls Sungyeol’s collar to stop him from joining the crowd.

“Just one sip!” he pleads but Myungsoo shakes his head. Hoya sees them.

“I’ll make you a non alcoholic one,” he says.

Later Sungyeol sips his non alcoholic cocktail in disgust.

“This doesn’t even taste like real drink,” he whines. “Can you just let me get a coffee instead?”

“You know coffee is off limit, Yeol. Your heart can’t take it.”

Sungyeol looks sad so Myungsoo takes his present before the gift exchange times to distract him.

“Look at what I’ve got for you,” he whispers to Sungyeol’s ear, stuffing the box into his hands.

“What is this?” Sungyeol looks in curiosity.

“Open it,” Myungsoo smiles. He can already imagine Sungyeol’s excitement.

“A video camera!” Sungyeol exclaims, prompting the other to look at them.

“Why do you start the gift exchange without us?” Sungjong complains as he approaches them.

“Wow, that’s a cool one,” Dongwoo says. The others are admiring the present as well. Sungyeol looks so  happy but Myungsoo thinks that he feels even more happier than Sungyeol.

“Thank you,” Sungyeol says, kissing Myungsoo straight in the mouth. “It must be expensive.”

_Nothing’s too expensive for you._

Myungsoo kisses him back.

All of them start exchanging gifts after that. Myungsoo gets an expensive camera lens from Woohyun. Sungyeol gives his present to Sungjong.

“I don’t have something expensive for you,” Sungyeol says later when they’re in bed, ready to sleep. “But I made this.”

He gives him a small clay elephant.

“Elephant?”

“I really want to give you many big things, Myungsoo. I’m sorry because I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Myungsoo says. “You don’t have to.”

He hugs Sungyeol, caressing his warm skin, feeling his hot breath, and listening to his heartbeat.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” Sungyeol whispers back.

 

 

-

At New Year Eve, his boss doesn’t let anybody come home early.

Myungsoo has been running around all day, making sure the campaign launching tomorrow is perfect.

Now he is sitting still on his chair, completely engrosses in the document in front of him as he double checks anything.

It is 9 PM.

His phone rings and upon seeing Woohyun’s name, he picks up the call.

“Hello?”

“Myungsoo, I need you to keep calm,” Woohyun’s voice is foreboding. “But Sungyeol is in the hospital right now.”

Myungsoo stands up so abruptly he makes the other coworkers jump.

He doesn’t even clean his desk. He just grabs his coat and bag.

He tells his boss that he has emergency and flees before his boss answers.

It starts snowing outside but that particular detail is lost on Myungsoo as he feels his blood drained from his head, ringing sound pounding in his ears, and his heart jumping to his throat.

All the while he keeps chanting ‘ _please keep him save. Please keep him save. Please keep him save’._

 

 

-

Woohyun looks very pale when Myungsoo meets him in the ER.

But his attention to the shorter boy doesn’t last long, as his eyes take in the sight of Sungyeol sleeping on one of the hospital bed.

He rushes to his side and it all feels like a nightmare, until he touches him and he knows.

That Sungyeol is gone.

The coldness in his skin seeps into Myungsoo’s heart as his hands roams around his body.

There must be other places where it’s still warm.

But he can’t find any.

“Sungyeol,” he calls. “Sungyeol.”

He cups the other’s face as he peppers him with kisses.

But he can only tastes stillness and he can’t feel Sungyeol’s breath on his skin.

“Please, wake up. Sungyeol. Just wake up for this once.”

Myungsoo calls him until his voice gets hoarse and he falls to his knees, wailing on the hospital floor.

But Sungyeol doesn’t come back to pick him up.

 

 

-

“It was the coffee,” Woohyun says later. “He takes a coffee and it triggers his heart attack.”

Myungsoo asks him to tell him how he found Sungyeol that day.

“I found him in the craft room,” Woohyun says but he refuses to tell more.

 

 

-

The rest of their little group of friends prepare the funeral. They decide to hold the funeral only for a day, because there are not many people to invite anyway.

Myungsoo calls Sungyeol’s family, but his dad says his son has died long time ago, when Myungsoo took him away.

So Myungsoo is surprised when he sees Sungyeol’s mother and brother come to the funeral house.

They don’t exchange much words but basic courtesy but Myungsoo hopes Sungyeol is happy to see his mom and little brother before he goes to a much better place.

 

 

-

“Don’t let him alone,” Myungsoo overhears Sunggyu from the hallway when the funeral is over.

“I know, Hyung,” Woohyun answers.

True to that, when he sees Myungsoo, he asks him to stay at his house.

“I’m fine, Hyung,” Myungsoo tells him.

“You’re not, Myungsoo,” Woohyun says.

“Really, I’m fine.”

“Just come with me.”

Woohyun is stubborn and Myungsoo is tired, so he ends up agreeing.

“But I need to take my things at home,” he says.

Woohyun drives him to his apartment.

As they stand in front of the door, Myungsoo keeps telling himself.

It will be fine. It is fine.

But when the door opens, it is not.

There are grapes on their dining table and they have gone bad, the rotten sour smell permeates.

The flower on the windowsill has died.

And the coffeemaker is dirty.

“I’ll clean them up,” Woohyun says. “You go to your room and pack.”

Myungsoo follows the instruction.

He opens his cupboard and the fragrance of fabric softener envelopes him like a hug.

It is Sungyeol’s smell and he sneaks a couple of his lover’s clothes into his suitcase.

It doesn’t take long to pack. He brings the suitcase back to the living room.

Woohyun is still busy in the kitchen.

The door to the craft room is half opened.

He put down the suitcase and approaches the room.

“Myungsoo,” Woohyun calls. The older man looks at him warningly.

“Let’s go,” Woohyun says.

Myungsoo ignores him and pushes the door open.

Woohyun hits his hands and closes the door.

His anger explodes and he sees red.

“Who are you to forbid me entering a room in my own house?!” he lashes out.

“There’s nothing for you there, Myungsoo.”

“Who are you tell me anything about my own house?!” he shoves Woohyun hard until the older stumbles backward.

“You’re coming with me.”

“I’m staying!” he yells.

“No, you’re not,” Woohyun grabs his hands.

Myungsoo wrenches it free and hits Woohyun’s face in the process.

Woohyun doesn’t even touch the spot and holds Myungsoo’s hand tighter instead.

“You’re coming with me. Even if I have to be beaten up by you, you’re coming with me.”

 

 

-

Woohyun’s apartment is monochromatic, compared to his woody one.

It is strange and unfamiliar, but he doesn’t tell Woohyun that.

Woohyun gives him a room, makes him food, and forces him to eat.

He lets Myungsoo grieves, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to distract him.

Forcing him to listen to his new song he’s working on, forcing him to help him in the kitchen, sometimes even dragging him in the early morning to the gym.

But honestly Myungsoo doesn’t want to do anything.

He doesn’t go to work. Not because his boss has given him time off to mourn, but Myungsoo himself doesn’t see the point of working hard again.

Back then worked hard to keep Sungyeol alive.

Now he wishes he worked hard to keep him happy instead.

Because if only he knew it would be like this...

He’ll let Sungyeol plays with his camera.

He’ll take him for a vacation to Jeju Island.

He’ll quit his job so he can spend more time with him.

He’ll even make him cocktail and coffee – as many glasses as he wants.

If it means Sungyeol can come back, he’d do it.

 

 

-

He misses his Sungyeol terribly, so he tries to hold onto the scattered pieces of him.

The clothes he brought doesn’t offer the same comfort as the smell fades.

Woohyun works at home, but one day when he goes to shop for groceries, Myungsoo sneaks out of the apartment to go back to his and Sungyeol’s house.

The apartment is dustier than the last time, and the air feel more hollow, like a place that’s been left empty for too long.

He finds nothing in bedroom, living room, kitchen, and classroom.

So he enters the craft room.

The room isn’t any different from Myungsoo’s last time seeing it.

_This is the last place where Sungyeol is alive._

The table in the middle of the room is messy. There are two chairs in the opposite side of the table.

On the table he finds a notebook. He grabs it without thinking any further.

After that he roams the room, trying to find more notebooks, more scribbles, more legacy from Sungyeol.

He finds Sungyeol’s Christmas present on the table, the clay elephant, that he thought has lost before.

He scans the room once more and finds his video camera in the bookshelves, overlooking the room, buried under many books.

The battery is dead so he can’t check it. But, Myungsoo brings it home, along with the notebook..

 

 

-

Myungsoo reads the notebook first as he leaves the video camera to be charged.

The notebook served as Sungyeol’s diary, but apparently that diary has nothing but Myungsoo.

There’s Myungsoo’s name in every single page, more than Sungyeol’s own name.

_Today Myungsoo woke up late and had to run to the office. I tried to told him but he kept dismissing me so he went to the office pantsless that day._

Myungsoo chuckles at the memory. He remembers that well.

The rest of the contents aren’t that much different. All of them are about Myungsoo and almost none about Sungyeol.

Except at the last entry, at December 31.

_I’ve been living my life because of Myungsoo. I’m the most happy when I’m with him._

Those notes don’t ease his yearning, in fact they make it even more severe.

Those notes isn’t enough for Myungsoo.

So he checks the video camera. He holds his breath when he navigates the files. The last file recorded was December 31.

With pounding heart he opens it.

Sungyeol comes into view immediately and the mere sight of Sungyeol after all this time – moving – makes Myungsoo’s eyes moist already.

Sungyeol places the camera on the bookshelves as he sits on one of the chairs, facing the camera. Myungsoo notices the white cup on the table.

“Myungsoo,” Sungyeol in the camera greets and Myungsoo holds his breath.

“When I’m recording this, you must be in the middle of working hard in your office. You always are – working hard. That’s why you can buy me this expensive video camera. It’s awesome, by the way,” Sungyeol says.

“You definitely have to use this video camera to record beautiful things – like you do with your camera. I heard tonight the first snow will fall. It must be beautiful.”

“Hey, you remember our first snow last year? It was disaster! We even rented that expensive villa to enjoy it but somehow we ended up getting lost in the nearby pine forest. Is that why you’re so reluctant to go on vacation this year, Myung?” he laughs, all gummy and bright.

“The year before isn’t that good. We spent our year end in the hospital,” he makes a sad expression. “But I remember you decorated my room’s wall with a collage of the pictures you take outside during my stay. It was beautiful, even the nurses and doctors praises your photography skill.”

“The year before... our first time at our own home, right? We camped in the balcony as we watched the first snow. We had blankets and hot drinks. I think that was the last time I had coffee, before my heart failure the next year and it completely banned from my life,” he grimaces in distaste.

And Sungyeol recites and recites again – their story from the last seven years together. Until he raises the white cup on the table.

“I made coffee today. Even after three years, my coffee roasting skill hasn’t deteriorate. It’s tasty,” he says. “It’s important that it is tasty. Because I want to disguise the taste of this.”

Sungyeol points at a tiny glass bottle (one that Myungsoo totally overlooked before, both in the video and in the real craft room).

“Myungsoo,” he says. “I want you to listen to me carefully. I have a very good life, thanks to you.”

“One that I won’t ever regret having. In fact, I only know what is life after meeting you.”

“But just like I have my life because of you, I also have my death because of myself.”

“Myungsoo, what I’m about to do, I won’t ask you to understand it except one thing.”

“That it is not because of you.”

Sungyeol pours the content of the bottle into his coffee, sloshes it around.

And drinks it.

At first Myungsoo doesn’t understand what is the clear liquid inside the bottle.

“Live your life well, yeah?” he flashes a smile.

And then Myungsoo knows.

Because he sees the focus on his lover’s eyes slipped away

Notices how his lids drooped.

Hears how his words slurred.

“Thank you for everything, Myungsoo,” he says, mustering his last smile. “I love you.”

Sungyeol’s head falls backward.

And then he’s gone.

 

 

-

Myungsoo breaks down. Break down so hard.

It’s as if he relives that night again, a wound that hasn’t been healed pierced again with a sharper knife.

To die because of heart attack is one thing, but to deliberately end life like this...

He’s hurt because Sungyeol didn’t trust him enough to tell this before.

He’s angry because he can only watch, powerless as the man he loves the most in this world hurt his own self.

He’s sad because whatever he tries after this won’t matter anymore, because Sungyeol is gone. Gone forever.

He wants to cry more but it feels like his eyes can’t make more tears.

His heart aches so bad he wants to wrench it from his body to spare him from the pain.

He must be screaming, because the next thing he knows Woohyun comes bursting through the door and pick him up.

 

 

-

Later, when Woohyun sees the video, Myungsoo sees his face hardens.

He confiscate the video and never say anything when Myungsoo asks him about it.

But even though he only watches it once, Myungsoo already remembers every seconds of it.

 

 

-

He tries to rationalize, to justify, to find the answer. The reason why.

He reads the notebook again (he hides it from Woohyun) but it doesn’t give more clue.

He tries to remember their last moment, Sungyeol’s behavior or words, but all of them still doesn’t match up the conclusion that Sungyeol would commit suicide.

For days, he sleeps with tears in his eyes and wakes up with bitter taste in his mouth.

Woohyun picks up the mess that is him, and despite his grieving, Myungsoo is not blind. He notices all the things that Woohyun gives to him (which is uncountable) and the things that Woohyun receives from him (which is almost to nothing).

And one day when Sunggyu’s over, he overhears Woohyun sobbing in his room, the older boy holds him through his trembling.

“Why did he left him a scene of him dying?” Woohyun cries. “He could’ve just left him with a thank you.”

Myungsoo questions the same thing every day. Over and over and over again.

But is there anybody capable to answer except the one that has gone?

Sometimes there is no answer, and only questions.

 

 

-

There’s nothing left to do except continuing life. Surviving.

He starts working again and he notices the smile and relief in Woohyun’s face when he tells him.

He starts taking pictures again and he notices the understanding in Woohyun’s eyes when he tells him he doesn’t want company in his picture hunting..

He starts hanging out with their friends again, who hugs him so long and tight, and if he is quieter than he usually is they never point it out.

As day by day passing away, he finds himself getting used to a new routine.

Maybe he’s starting to accept Sungyeol’s death, Myungsoo realizes one morning when he have breakfast with Woohyun.

“Coffee?” the older offers.

“No, thanks,” Myungsoo grabs a glass of water instead.

But just because he already accepts it, doesn’t mean it becomes less painful.

 

 

-

 “Myungsoo, can I talk to you?” Woohyun asks one day when they have breakfast.

“Yes, Hyung?” Myungsoo says. Woohyun looks uncomfortable.

“Maybe it’s not our business but... the guys, and me too, think that you should sell your apartment.”

“You can live here instead, with me, until whenever you want,” he continues.

Myungsoo thinks about and he says yes.

Because now he knows that holding onto the scattered pieces of Sungyeol only hurts him more.

 

 

-

 “There’s a good news, Myungsoo. A property agency agrees to buy you apartment with a good rate,” Woohyun informs him. “They want the apartment empty by the next weekend.”

“Okay, Hyung,” he says.

“If you don’t want to go there, you don’t have to. The guys and me will take care of the packing.”

“Thanks, Hyung,” he smiles.

 

 

-

He says goodbye to his coworkers and walks back to Woohyun’s apartment.

It no longer snows but the cold wind sometimes still attacks him.

In the middle of the route, he changes his direction to his old apartment instead.

Sungyeol leaves him a good bye word before parting, Myungsoo thinks he should at least do the same.

 

 

-

The craft room is even more dustier than the last time.

Myungsoo enters the room with the awareness he didn’t have before.

The two chairs, empty and lonely. One of them is where Sungyeol dies.

On the table, the white cup is still intact. The coffee inside has been reduced into dark, solid stain on the bottom of the cup.

The little glass bottle is also still there.

He wonders if the drying poison in the empty little bottle still effective.

Myungsoo sits himself on the chair opposite of Sungyeol and rewinds the familiar scene.

He echoes Sungyeol’s voice in his head.

_“Myungsoo....”_

As he remembers the words Sungyeol said in the video, Myungsoo tries to match the conversation.

He tells the empty space in front of him about his happiest day with Sungyeol.

The day he met him.

The day they started going out.

The day they started living together.

The day Sungyeol’s heart failed.

The day they spent at hospital.

The day they spent at home.

The day they hugged, cuddled, kissed, and made love.

He chuckles when he remembers Sungyeol chuckles. Smiles when he remembers Sungyeol smiles.

He doesn’t want to cry today, even when he wants to. Let the farewell ends not with tears but with smile, even if it still hurts inside (and maybe will never stop hurting).

“Can I ask you something before I say good bye?” he asks softly.

He glances at the tiny glass bottle on the table.

“Is this separation less painful for you since you’ve prepared for it?”

He is answered with a silence.

“What about love?” he tries to ask again. “Is it worth doing again?”

He thinks about Woohyun and all the things he gives and all the things he does. His hands reaches the clay elephant he left last time and plays with it.

Still nobody answers.

It’s silly but Myungsoo actually hopes for mere coincidence to come. Coincidence that he can pass as answers. Like wind blowing into the room or something falling on the floor.

 

 

-

_Sungyeol, I’m still a little pissed at you for leaving me._

_And I’ve tried hard to understand why but I still don’t._

_Even if it is like that, but I let you go now._

_Thank you, Sungyeol. I love you._

_I just hope you’re still here to hear these words from me._

It’s still nothing.

He hopes for a mere coincidence to come. But nothing.

 

 

-

He hears frantic movement from the front door.

A moment later he hears Woohyun rushing to his side.

“I was looking everywhere for you!”

He sounds so wrecked – panic and relief blend into his voice. It makes Myungsoo’s heart ache for a different reason.

“Sorry, Hyung. I just want to stay here for the last time before I sell it.”

“Let’s go home,” Woohyun says.

_Home._

“Yes,” Myungsoo answers. He stands up, leaving the clay elephant on the table.

_Sungyeol, I’m going._

When he leaves the room, he hears something falls. He looks back and the clay elephant is laying on the floor.

 

 

 

 

 

-

**The Day Before - Nell**

  
_It was difficult at first_  
_More than I will admit_  
_It was burdensome_  
_But after accepting it,_  
_it makes me too sorrowful._  
  
_Honestly, this is the truth_  
_There is no use in trying to hold on to the scattered pieces_  
_It will only break my heart_  
  
_But as I continue living like this,_  
_I wonder what the point of living is_  
  
_I was resentful at first_  
_And crying – I cried a lot_  
_But after continuing on in this way_  
_I wondered what I was doing_  
  
_Honestly, this is the truth_  
_There is no use in trying to hold on to the scattered pieces_  
_It will only break my heart_

_But as I continue living like this,_  
_I wonder what the point of living is_  
  
_Sometimes, I standing inside the same memory with you_  
_I’m frozen in time with you_  
  
_How is the separation?_  
_Was it just enough for you to endure, since you were prepared for it?_  
_Was it less painful?_  
  
_What about love?_  
_Is it worth doing again?_  
_Honestly, this is my truth_  
_I’m just afraid_  
  
_This is all that i can say_  
_This is all that i can say_  
_I repeat it to myself,the words that let you go_  
  
_This is all that i can say_  
_This is all that i can say_  
_They will never be able to reach you, the words that let you go_


End file.
